Can’t stand your sedate position in your lifeless dreary office? Tired of making long international calls to your second cousin’s aunt’s niece (twice removed)? Have you already smoked ten packets of Marlboros lights and its only 9:30am? What you need is fun, excitement and entertainment.
What you need is MAGIC.
Read our guide – gain true inner peace, get in touch with the Earth Mother, learn the magical ways to fire an elastic band, save the earth, amuse yourself and much, much more!
1) Fertility Rite
Gather all the menstruating women together in a room. Ignore their short tempers and bad attitudes. (Remember to point out that the only person’s karma being destroyed is their own). Encourage them to remove their clothes, smear themselves with mud and dance around wildly chanting the mantra "I feel in touch with my spiritual child. I’m sorry I snapped your head off this morning and ate all the chocolate biscuits, would you like a cup of tea?" (Change to instant decaf if American). Pendants crudely fashioned from company emblazoned coasters/pens are optional.
2) Rites for the Office Junior – Coming of Age (Stage 1)
It is important to teach a young adult to get to grips with nature when confined to an office environment – they are the world’s future after all! Allow them to feel what its like to be at one with nature’s foliage by standing them in a waste paper basket and pouring water on their head. If they fail to feel like a part of the organic universe, leaving them tied up to a water pipe to wilt without nutrition because the secretary is on holiday is an option – you might even be able to market them as a supermodel afterwards, using the money to further your religion.
3) The Coming of Age (Stage 2)
In many far off lands where tribal instincts prevail and people have a real true sense of the world around them, mutilation of young adults is common practice. In the absence of a blessed tiger’s claw, a holy snake fang or a broken Coca-Cola bottle (which Americans traded for your beautiful grandmother when they first set up colonies), substitute implements with notice board pins, keys and sharpened pencils.
4) Shamanic Rites (How to be a Witch Doctor)
Shamans/Holymen would often disappear into the jungle/forest for days, eating strange roots and fungus in order to achieve a trance-like state in which vision would often occur. Try taking ‘shrooms at a board meeting and then try climbing into your ‘things to do’ tray because (much like a mother’s womb) once things are in there, they require a long gestation period before they come out, and you will never remember what it/they were like unless under hypnosis (it’s also quite cosy).
5) Contacting Gods & Demons (advanced Witch Doctors only)
Eat the strange living substance that has formed in your long-neglected coffee cup. Hyperventilate for at least five minutes and try sniffing various brands of correction fluid (those big fat marker pens will also do the job). Contact the Oracle (the internet will suffice), email all your Facebook friends in Singapore, encourage them to do the same, and the unison of a hundred minds will awaken the Gods from their slumber. Should you fail however, demons which occupy the dimension of your bosses’ office will rise and Armageddon will occur.
6) Intimidation and Psychic Projection
Put passwords on all the most used computer programmes, all lowly mortals will beg you for the Key of Enlightenment. Press buttons on the photocopier until it makes strange ‘bleeping’ noises. When/if you are questioned, follow these easy steps:
a) Stand on a rotating office chair
b) Raise yourself to your full height
c) Wave your arms maniacally
d) Fix them with your Evil Eye (see step 7)
e) Utter the following sentences: "The end of the world is nigh, the voices have told me to eradicate all that is not pure", making sure you are giving the Evil Eye to the person you wish to intimidate/protect against.
If they do not quake and retreat with fear – practice your Evil Eye and repeat the process at a later date.
7) Evil Eye
For details on how to acquire this psychic skill – contact menstruating women.
8) Psychic Weapons
When the Evil Eye does not seem appropriate, try applying super glue to pens, firing elastic bands at the idiot opposite, misplace people’s files and blame it all on the demons and then hold people’s eyes open over the photocopier until the pledge allegiance to the Cause. If they are not suitably affected, contact Gods & Demons, or replace the ground coffee with finely crumbled hashish.
9) Self Help
Stop drinking alcohol and/or get out of your dull, lifeless, soul destroying job. Tell your boss what you really think of him, stop wearing those embarrassing office clothes and stop spending 9 hours a day wishing you were somewhere else – before you end up like me.
You have been shown the true path my children. Next issue we’ll explore how to commit suicide using a simple office staple gun and an eraser.