So what have we left to fear? Answer: A lot.

Osama Bin Liden the outlawSo it’s finally old news! The cat and mouse story of the decade has ended in a glorified game of Call of Duty Black Ops.

One Sunday evening in May last year, one man, with a very Arabic name, sat in a heavily fortified building to watch another man, with a very Arabic name, get blown away by teenagers in a sadly* less heavily fortified building. *(Sadly for him that is)

And how the people doth rejoice! We are free! Free to leave our doors unlocked, free to cross the street without looking both ways, free to trade our anti-aircraft missiles with whom we please. But hold the parade folks. I have something to tell you. According to top intelligence sources (yes, that would be me) the world is actually a more hideously perilous place than we had previously thought. So shut the curtains, climb back under the sheets and take notes as I warn you of the greatest threats to our freedom since Hitler got knocked back from art school…

Mel Gibson
As the old saying goes, the death of one criminally insane, sexually confused religious zealot leads to the rise of another. And while we have been worried about the Jihadists of the Islamic world, a pot has been boiling away in Hollywood. All the signs are there. An absurdly wealthy, ideologically retarded 50-something with a penchant for making films that both promote war (Braveheart) and have a heavy religious bias (Passion of Christ). We need to act fast. And while we are blowing up arrogant Australian movie stars, can also get rid of Russell Crowe? Just put it on my tab.

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Telepathic AIDS
If you thought regular AIDS was scary you should probably look away now. This disease is so potent all you have to do is think about some kind of fluid exchange and BAM, its all over.

Ever seen a wizened junkie shuddering up the street and thought, ‘Yeah, I’d share a bag of smack with that guy’? Been at the zoo and spied a Howler Monkey you’d like have a blood transfusion with? Of course you have. Well now you have telepathic AIDS too. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Apple computers
I used to watch the Terminator movies and worry about Skynet. A network of supercomputers turning against us with all the nuclear weaponry we have been gleefully producing for the last 60 years seemed nothing short of an inevitability. But then it occurred to me that with a name as kitsch as ‘Skynet’ the machines could only run on Microsoft software. Windows Vista probably.

We could just ask them to perform too many actions at once and then wait for them to crash. What we really should be looking out for is the Macintosh Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. Ever notice a friend or family member turn into a smug grinning husk after purchasing an Apple gizmo? That’s because you don’t purchase an Apple product, it purchases you. ‘Join us,’ they say with blank eyes, ‘it’s so much better…’ Run, I tell you. Just fucking run.

A lot of people have suggested recently that I have some kind of prejudice against dubstep. A sort of musical racism if you will. And those people would be absolutely correct. I am a full on, card-carrying dubstep Nazi. Remember when whinging middle-class parents used to blame rock and roll for all of their spoilt children’s problems, claiming if you spun Led Zeppelin records backwards you could hear Satan? Well here is a musical genre where you don’t even need to ruin the needles on your record player. Dubstep is the sound of Lucifer emptying a sticky load into your ears. The demon sperm then slither past your eardrums and up into your brain, where they sprout through your skull as giant clumps of unwashed, matted hair. And try dancing with a member of the opposite sex to this music and you will undoubtedly remind each other of virile Howler Monkeys and instantly develop Telepathic AIDS (see above).

Global Warming
Seriously now, wasn’t this a big issue about 12 months ago? Didn’t we have precisely 29 days to recycle our own bodies or the mountains would melt and drown us all in a sea of disenfranchised polar bears? It just seems as though nobody is taking this thing seriously anymo…


*This column was brought to you by BP, the oil company that cares about YOU!