Call me a crank, but I get pissed off when my government spends money - which is to say, my taxes, my very labor, the milk of my days - on superweapons designed to kill large numbers of human beings, possibly including myself, my family, and my favorite media personalities.

I get even more pissed off when my government uses these weapons. You see, I am a big fan of people - even assholes - when compared to vast stockpiles of downright antisocial technology, and would much prefer to indulge the tragedies of history than fuel them with ammo and justify them with contracts. You can make all the Howie Mandel and Micheal Bolton jokes you want, but when you get down to it, they ain't that bad compared to a single casing of napalm.

Speaking of napalm - which is designed to burn molten jellied oil into human flesh - it made my grandfather a moderately wealthy man, at least it helped. You see he owned Dupont stock, which made a lot of napalm during a fun little war we had about thirty years ago. My mother inherited the stock and we sold it, but it just went somewhere else, so it didn't really feel as good as we thought.

American napalm, the best in the world, turned an entire country into a toxic dump and killed hundreds of thousands of people because we couldn't convince them that capitalism and Washington was where the party was. Go figure.

It isn't obsolete, napalm, but it isn't really in vogue, either. Our State Department boys and pugnacious Pentagon pussies are currently into lasers and clusters and Uranium and other things that happy, patriotic people think up in underground desert laboratories and university research centers. These people are currently getting a big kick out of using depleted Uranium in Yugoslavia, where cancer rates will surely be on par with Eastern Ukraine and Southern Iraq within ten years. It's actually a lot of fun to give cancer to the unborn, especially when they are the children of the people you are "defending."

We showed those Iraqis the kind of unconventional warfare they can expect if they prepare for unconventional warfare, after we showed the Serbs the kind of unconventional warfare they could expect if they wanted to go out fighting guerilla style. Ten hundred thousand tons of napalm couldn't weed out Giap, but we'll be damned if our low grade nukes don't get Slobo yet. It might take ten years, a Madeline Albright sized douchebag full of dead bodies, and a world war... but Yeee-Ha!

Mutherf*cker, we goin t' git them Rooskies now! The people running NATO are very, very smart. They went to the best colleges and have all kinds of diplomas to prove it. They are liberals, so they never kill people on purpose. They are realists, so they have our long term interests at hardened heart, whereas as fuzzy thinking hippies like me should just mind our own business and drink alcohol and play video games. We must destroy Yugoslavia in order to save Kosovo, you see, and unless you went to West Point or the War College, you just aren't informed enough to say otherwise. You just don't have the clearance to form an opinion.

WAR IS PEACE. Listen to your leaders, o citizens of NATO, for they are wise, wise men.