tiger woods nike smileHey Thinkers

The book review of NASA Mooned America got me really excited about Ralph Rene and his theory about the great hoax, so I went online for more info.

The controversy rages on, but one thing I know for sure is that you misquoted the rate for foreign orders of the book. Instead of $26, it should be $35. Pass it on.

– Melinda Reidinger


The Musical Revolt,

I want to thank Jeremy Hurewitz for writing the awsome article in the October Issue! If someone didn’t write it sooner or later I would. It took the words right out of my mouth! I have been saying this for the last year. This isnt just about Mp3s but about the whole music industry. And the majority of the modern music listeners agree. Don’t forget the Smashing Pumpkins have released their last album MACHINA/The Machines of God on the Internet. You can download all 25 of their songs. They gave it out for free!

– Iggy


Think:

“Not surprisingly, typos and grammatical mistakes creep in. Any moron can pick out a single grammatical mistake in a fifty page magazine” Martin Jarvis in November’s Think.

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A robust reaction to what he clearly felt was unjust criticism. Imagine my surprise when a few pages further on I find my name attached to a piece of writing that I not only didn’t write but I wouldn’t have dreamt of printing on toilet paper if I had. (“An Adventure in Predatory Club Life“) Another typo mistake creeping in or just plain incompetence? Perhaps it was an act of God?

From Jarvis’s letter one might draw the conclusion that God walks through Thinks pages. Personally I’m not too upset, a few friends looked at me strangely in the pub until the misunderstanding was straightened out but aside from that nothing earth shattering has happened I’ve not been knifed by Preston B. Gripes as the mistaken author of another piece of Think drivel. I’ve not been sanctioned by anti-molists (or would it be molists?).

But in reality this is a human tragedy. Spare a thought for the poor wanna-be whose been struggling to make it into print all these years – he finally gets his big break, a magazine undiscerning enough to print his work and hey presto – it’s credited to someone else! Terrible! Come on Think, come clean and do the right thing, give the real author his credit and due. He’s got to have something to take home with him. At least an F for trying.

– William Lee

P.S. I thought the citicisms of Gripes very unfair. Some people have no sense of humour.

Dear Burroughs fan,

…with pin prick dorks like you writing letters, who needs a sense of humour? And nobody gets an “F” at the progressive Think campus. Only group hugs and lots of support.


ThinK?

If you are still wondering why you don’t have more female contributors, consider the tone of many articles which lead one to believe the males on your staff (with the exception of Paul Kail) are drooling, sniggering adolescents (‘Daisy Blaze’ and ‘I almost had sex with Bjork’) who can’t get any, or else mopey adolescents who wouldn’t know what to do if they got some. To Illustrate the latter case the Hurewitz quote on sex, “that sad dog thing I can’t escape” comes to mind. Maybe it’s not fair to reductively categorize members of your staff in this way, but all the same this “Maxim“-esque literary pose is very off-putting.

Dear Anonymous,

1) Daisy Blaze is in fact a real, double X chromosone owning women.

2) Paul Kail has a subscription to Maxim.

3) Hurewitz has a fourteen inch cock.

4) According to Kinsey, drooling is normal.


Dear Think:

Am I right in thinking that “The Downstairs Man” is the same “Preston B. Grebe” whose letter wasted so much space in last month’s issue? Please find out this man’s true identity and shoot him. I suspect that he is somebody who is familiar to many of us, if not in person, at least as an archetype. Here are a few clues, based on an analysis of his “writing”.

a) He is probably male, since he is interested in sport.

b) He is probably a Brit, for the following reasons:

(i) He is very negative.

(ii) Both of his pseudonames have an English connection. Preston is a town in England and “downstairs” is more likely to be a feature of everyday life for a low-income person in UK than in the US. Unlike the US or Australia, virtually all houses in the UK have a “downstairs” (because they are made of brick rather than plywood). I am assuming that “Preston” is not a high-flyer.

(iii) He refers disparagingly to “yanks”, and later to “your countrymen”.

(iv) He can use apostrophes correctly, at least some of the time.

(v) He is obsessed with the BBC. (He cannot therefore be Irish.)

(vi) He says “pavement” rather than “sidewalk”. This means that he is not Australian, either, since they use the word “path” (which is often more accurate there).

c) He has been in Prague for quite a while, since he has picked up a number of Americanisms, such as “wannabe”. In his first letter, he uses the word “fanny” in the American sense (buttock) rather than the British sense (vagina). Further evidence for his having been here a while are the disparaging remarks in his first letter about people who haven’t been in Prague for more than a few months. He is obviously proud of the fact that he has been here for years and sometimes goes to Czech pubs.

d) If he is British he is probably over 35, since he uses imperial measurements. He would definitely not be Australian, as Australia went metric several decades ago.

e) He expresses surprise that none of the letters he has sent to The Prague Post have been published. This suggests a lack of insight into his own limitations. On the other hand, if he is British, it is quite possible that there is some subtle level of humor which we are missing.

f) He doesn’t appear to be a very happy person. One assumes, therefore, that he has not been laid in a while. This might be because he is not good-looking, has low self-esteem, or has some other major personality defect which he has managed to hide from us.

I picture him as a 35 – 45 year-old British male from a fairly modest background with a chip on his shoulder. Since he is obviously thrilled that he has finally found a publication which is prepared to publis
h his crap, perhaps you could solve this mystery for us. Tell him that you won’t publish any more letters from him unless he meets you in person. You can then print his photograph, not in the party section at the back, but in a special section for losers (or maybe even on the front cover). When you have done that, you can do what I suggested at the beginning of this letter.

– Yours sincerely, Martin Jarvis, P-6

Thanks Martin,

we can take over from here.


Dear Sir/Madam:

I was very disturbed to read Paul Kail’s article about bears in last month’s Think magazine. I have been trying to forget about Chinese people, and their attitudes towards animals! I lived in China for two years, and at no point did I hear about these atrocities.

I contacted some of my old friends still living there, and it appears that a small number of stories have, in fact, leaked out to the press. However, the majority of the Chinese population still does not know what goes on in these “bear farms”. The only people doing anything to help are from the US and Britain.

My experience with Chinese people suggests that they would not care, anyway. I have never met such a bunch of callous, money-minded arseholes. Where else would you see children stoning baby puppies to death for kicks? Anybody who criticises the Czechs just needs to live in China for a while. Needless to say, I have written to the President as suggested in the article, although I doubt that it will do much good. He is the biggest arsehole of the lot.

-Yours, Steven Lazarska, lazarska@operamail.com

P. S. Is there any possibility of a more general article about animal abuse in China?

Steve,

contact Dr. Kail at animals@animals.org for more info. And please refrain from China bashing in your next letter.


Dear Think,

I have recently received your #37 copy of Think from a friend of mine who recognised my article. I have found several mistakes in your copy and worst of all you have included an e-mail address that isn’t mine! My address is: alienrogers@hotmail.com, not allenrogers@hotmail.com. Even though my name is Allen Rogers I couldn’t get that address for myself as it was already used. Please have a word with your copywriters.

All the best, Allen.

Allen,

everyone at Think was so stoned the night of layout, even our superstar copy boys, its amazing we got the issue out at all. Sorry about the mistakes.


Dear Sir or Madam:

I have been living here in Prague for the last 4 years. Occasionally (actually, whenever I see a new issue), I pick up your monthly and give it a quick read. I sometimes question the content, but I still pick it up, which means you are doing something right. Recently I have been overly disturbed by an article I have seen at the end of your magazine, titled Daisy something, about some arrogant American in Prague.

The reason I write this letter to you is to ask, who is the audience for this type of trash? This is obviously an un-attractive American girl getting absolutely no attention in a country full of beautiful, intelligent women, preaching to an audience of no-one. I mean, ask yourself, who would want to read about someone bringing some of the worst aspects of materialistic American life to a country whose culture and principals are completely different?

Most of your content makes a point of jabbing Americans, or Americans who come here and cant quite seem to figure it out. Wouldn’t that make this article the antithesis of YOUR focus and ideals?

– Thanks, Markus Van de Meer, m_vandemeer10@hotmail.com

Markus, Barkus, Larkus.

1) We have no focus and no ideals.

2) Daisy is a character exploration disguised as a restaurant review that uses an obnoxious and very horny babe protagonist on an endless search for the perfect cock. If you can’t use this as jerk-off material, then you shouldn’t be reading Think.

You’re Dutch, man, you should know better.