pine tree car air freshenerAre these people using car deodorizers the same demographic that use HOME air fresheners? Things have got to be pretty bad for someone to use an air freshener in their house… think about this. Usually the can of air freshener is in the “Powder Room” right? In case your dinner guests stink up the place beyond the capabilities of the ceiling exhaust fan, rather than face embarassment, they have a can of technologically advanced carcinogen to fog the room.

Voluntary exposure to cancer causing agents was their penalty, if you will, for stinking up your bathroom. Not that anyone actually believed that this new massive odor of “Rose Petals” came from your heiny anyway…

Then the science of anti-stink was raised to the level of a hollow plastic disk housing that you could attach to the side of the vanity via the same adhesive used to keep the tiles on the space shuttle. You’ve no doubt noticed that people that attach these “Stick-Up” things just keep adding to the collection, they never actually throw away the old ones, wishing to squeeze out every last smell atom. There’s probably a guy somewhere with a house built out of these things.

You would have thought that THESE would have been enough to calm even the most arid nastiness. But no. Now there are ELECTRICALLY POWERED anti-stench devices. Some with little adjustable VENTS! What’s the story here? HEY, please; if you’re one of these people, listen up. If-your-place-smells-this-bad-you-need-to c-l-e-a-n, possibly by fire. What’s going on in these people’s heads?

{loadposition content_adsensecontent}

“Hey, check it out… here’s an ELECTRIC air freshener… Hallelujah! I’ll NEVER have to clean… AT ALL!” Then these psychopaths graduate to the CARPET DEODORANT phase. Blech! This is really nasty. When they invented carpet deodorant. I remember thinking, “No way! What kind of a PigDog would actually use this product?” But sure enough, the same nuts that were busy stuffing baking soda down the throats of their stinky drains FLOCKED to the stores to purchase CarpetStench. This is truly disgusting. What’s the logic here? Your carpet is at a point where it smells so bad that it’s stinking up the entire house and the answer is to pour powdered deodorant on it? I don’t think so.

Ya’ know, it’s not as if by using these products everyone within a three block radius doesn’t know you’re still a pig. They now think you’re SUCH a pig that even after you clean the place you still need to use heated electric smell products and rug deodorant to cover the stench of your own musk imbedded in the carpet and furniture! Excuse me now while I barf up a squirrel.

But… I digress. Getting back to the CAR air fresheners… You maniacs that use these products, what exactly is the statement you’re trying to make to the world? Are you saying, “My body odor is SO bad that even though I can open the windows and circulate fresh air through this compartment at a force of over 110KPH EVERY SINGLE DAY, this STILL isn’t enough to make the smell bearable for civilized cultures?”And the scents available for cars… what planet is behind THIS?

You can actually purchase a car air freshener of “New Car Scent.” What? The smell of plastic? Can’t I achieve the same effect by sealing my head in Tupperware? This is amazing. Arm & Hammer should forget the baking soda thing and market “New Refrigerator Scent.” Everyone likes the smell of a new puppy right? Instead of bathing the dog, why don’t the makers of “CarpetFresh” make a “New Dog Scent” that we can just sprinkle on him? “Skip that “WET DOG” stage, but still keep your dog smelling like new!” I think I’m onto something here.

And why stop at the dog? Why isn’t there a spray fragrance “Fresh Paint” or “New Carpet”? Professional couples can buy some “New Baby” scent to spray at the office. Co-worker #1: (sniff, sniff) “Wow, is that your new baby I smell?” Co-worker #2: (smiling proudly) “No no… but he smells just like that!” Doctors can purchase “New Band-Aid.” Why stop at room air scents? Why not have a “New Car” Roll-On for men? Perhaps athletes or movie stars could package their own personal “Body Odor” scents. YES! “What do you mean it stinks in here! That’s “Demi Moore” under my arm you buffoon! Here, get a whiff of my LEFT… “Brad Pitt.”

God, what is the world coming to?”New Car” Roll-On for men? Perhaps athletes or movie stars could package their own personal “Body Odor” scents. YES! “What do you mean it stinks in here! That’s “Demi Moore” under my arm you buffoon! Here, get a whiff of my LEFT… “Brad Pitt.”

God, what is the world coming to?


Originally published in RANT Magazine