bill clinton ponders a duelHe had been challenged by Aaron Burr, who lost the 1800 presidential election because Hamilton swung his party’s majority vote in favor of Thomas Jefferson.

Hamilton also used his political clout to prevent Burr from being elected governor of New York in 1804. By this time Burr was pretty upset to say the least, so he challenged Alex to a duel.

Hamilton reluctantly accepted and they set a date. So, if a duel is good enough for one of the founding fathers of the USA it can’t be all that bad, can it?

In light of the countless scandals that President Clinton found himself in, one solution does not seem plausible, nor possible. The media just will not put this one down, and who could blame them for one minute – after all, scandals are the holy grail for the members of the media.

The Republicans, bewildered as they may be by the opinion polls, don’t mind too much, that’s for sure. The democrats, well at least they are busy playing cover up and damage control. Ken Starr, the independent counsel, well, he’s just trying to milk the clock because his career is over after this whole fiasco.

The only people who are not enjoying this whole display are the other 260 million Americans who have to witness this sick game of pulp politics. A solution has become imminent and if we think back to Alexander Hamilton, a duel seems like a good remedy for everybody.

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The Duel could be held at the Coliseum in Rome. This is the ideal location for two reasons. First, neutrality is paramount, and it seems like everyone has a gun in Arkansas these days, sorry Bill. Secondly, the tradition of the coliseum is second to none, where better to hold the event of the century?

This whole thing could take place on December 31, 1999, right around midnight. New millenniums should be rung in with a ‘bang’ anyway. I imagine this would be a very hot ticket, so advanced ticket reservations would be highly recommended, cash, check and major credit cards accepted.

Since we are currently in the ‘Information Age’ there are going to be a lot of people who are going to want to be informed. I can just imagine all the major networks bidding for this one. The best solution would be to have the event on pay-per-view at the low cost of $199. 99.

This would actually come as a package deal, included would be the last episode of Seinfeld immediately following, and a special limited edition, sliver plated coin with Lewinksy’s bust one side and Clinton’s tail on the other. All proceeds, including those from souvenir and copyright sales, would go towards paying back Americans the 40 million dollars that Starr has spent during his four year inquisition… I mean investigation.

Any profits above the Forty million would of course go to the Princes Diana Memorial Fund.

The pre-game show would be taken care of by James Carville and Trent Lott, just to get the opposing view point thing going. Play by play commentary would be provided by Oliver North and G. Gordon Liddy on the right, and Jesse Jackson and Stephanie Miller on the left, for the sake of juxtaposition. After all, the public shouldn’t be subject to only one dogma.

To get the crowd in the right mood before the duel there could be a mud wrestling match between Bill Gates and Steve Jobb, immediately followed by a tug-of-war between Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton. Then during the intermission before the main event there would be a parade of Clinton’s friends led by Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers with Monica Lewinsky bringing up the rear.

Then it would be time for the main event, the duel between Clinton and his nemesis, Ken Starr. I can see it now; a hush would fall over the crowd as the players took the field; “Ladies and Gentlemen, in this corner, hailing from Little Rock Arkansas and more recently the White House, in the leather chaps and badge, weighing in at an astonishing 351 pounds, the President of the United States of America, Billy “BBQ” Clinton.

And in this corner, hailing from the confines of his independent counsel, in the Grand Inquisitor costume, weighing in at a meager 187 pounds, Ken ‘let me conduct my inquisition, I mean investigation’ Starr”.

As the millennium would be winding down, the players would stand back to back, take ten paces and then… you make the call.